Remember: the Goal is the Thing

Here's a really good Monday Morning Parent kind of moment.  It happened on Wednesday night at Chick-Fil-A, and it's a great example of getting a new perspective that allows you to change your game plan for the better.

Been having some study problems with Rachel lately.  She's in 4th grade now, and this is the first year she's really needed to study.  Oh, she's had homework and tests for years, but up to this point she has been able to get good grades without much work at home.  Now, things are changing.  Either the difficulty of the material has increased, or the pace at which they are presenting it has.  Oh, and don't over react - we're not talking F's here, we're talking B's and C's instead of A's and B's.  Rachel's a smart girl, smart enough to get all A's, but I'm happy with A's and B's.

This problem is compounded by the small time frame that I have to help her.  As the child of a single parent, Rachel goes to an after-school program at our church, and I don't pick her up most nights until after 5pm.  By the time we get home, get settled, and have supper it's time to start thinking about showers, Bible reading, and bedtime.  That doesn't leave much of the "good time" for helping her with homework or studying for tests.  After about 8pm, Rachel tires quickly and the return on our investment gets small fast.

Add to that the fact that I'm really not very good at studying.  So, when trying to help Rachel learn good study habits, I tended to fall back on the two things I know: 1) the way my mom would study - meticulously going through every subject every day in detail, writing and re-writing, reading and re-reading, and 2) threats of punishment if she didn't do what she was supposed to.

This combination resulted in... very little that was good.  Bless her, Rachel probably thought I was turning into the Devil.  It became almost impossible for her to keep track of all the things I was asking her to do.  She started dreading pick-up time, because I would ask about everything: have you.... written your spelling words, read your story, looked over your science/social studies... Inevitably, she forgot something - there was just too much to remember and the specifics changed all the time.  Threats of punishment were ineffective - and spiraled to the ridiculous (a spanking for not writing your spelling words three times each?  really?  who does that?).  It got to the point that she would burst into tears the moment I started my questions, terrified that she had missed the mark again.

Praise God for good friends who have been there before.  I was talking with my good friend SS (no, not Hitler's SS, though her kids might think there's a resemblance).  She and her husband are great friends, and they have girls at and older than my girls' ages.  She helped me to see two things I was missing: 1) Rachel is old enough that she should be involved in figuring out what works for her, and most importantly 2) the details of the study habits are not the goal - good grades are. I had been focusing so hard on getting together a plan for studying that I lost sight of the fact that most of her grades were still good.

So, we're on a new path now, and I already feel a weight off my shoulders.  Here's the basics:

1. While we will still look at grades on individual tests/assignments, the goal is to have a 90 or higher in all subjects on report cards and mid-term progress reports.  No knee-jerk reactions unless an individual grade is really, really bad.
2. Rachel gets rewarded with an extra-curricular activity (like gymnastics classes) while she keeps all her grades at 90 or above, but loses it if not.
3. Rachel gets to pick her own study habits (with some suggestions from me) in any subject for which her most recent grade (report card or progress report) was 90 or above. 
4. For subjects where the most recent grade was not 90 or above, she and I will sit down, discuss, and agree upon a more stringent study plan for that subject.  We will also agree upon appropriate discipline if she fails to follow the plan.

Will it be perfect?  probably not.  But just talking about it has already made Rachel feel 100% better - more in control and more willing to work.  We both are less stressed.  And God blessed us with a great starting point: her most recent progress report came home yesterday... with all grades 90 and above.  Starting from the top - what a great way to begin!